A girl in Advance Printmaking asked are class for people to share with her a life challenging struggle. She needed 25 of them and plans to use them for her senior project. Today I finally sat down and wrote mine and this is what I shared with her.
When I was 14 my mom went to go get some moles removed. They discovered she had melanoma cancer, but with radiation and other treatments they could possibly save her. My mom being a member of the Christian Science Church was at a fork in the road. Now I guess I never thought to ask her if it was hard to turn her back on her faith. In case you aren’t familiar with Christian Science they basically believe that you dont need medicine or doctors to heal you. Just love and pray to God and his love will heal you, or something along those lines. Basically to do the treatment would be against her religion and beliefs. She wasnt in this religion her whole life, just most of mine really. So growing up I never had shots of any kind until I was 20. I remember her telling me she had cancer it was sometime in January. Sometime around when we still hadn’t managed to take Christmas decorations down. However looking back on it seems like a dream. The whole experience really is a bit hazy, some moments clearer than others. Which goes to show what I had succeeded in what I subconsciously meant to do, which was block it all out. The moment she told me I knew she was going to die. I dont know why I knew but that much is very clear in my memory. I remember mother’s day I bought her this really great mothers day card saying how much I appreciated her. I took more time than normal picking this one out. She was in her bed resting as she had already started kemotherapy so she was becoming weak. Grandparents and my Dad had to step in more to help her out. It was thanking her for all she had done for me. It was the first time I ever seen her instantly cry. I was actually shocked she cried, cause like me she kept a brave face. I thought it would of made her happy to know I took notice of all she had done. I asked her why she was crying and she said she felt sad because she felt she hadn’t been much of a mother to me lately. Hearing that my chest and eyes burn, and made me want to cry too. She couldn’t do things like take me to school, dance classes, or go do mother daughter activities like we use to. I told her she has been more of a mother to me now than ever, so it was silly for her to feel that way. She smiled at me and held me. I think that reply was manly off of me blocking out what was destroying her on this inside. I didnt want her to feel helpless or like she wasn’t doing anything cause the truth was she was doing alot more. She was fighting to live for me, which is not something you see a parent do for you physically everyday. I finally got the courage to ask the question that I felt I already knew the answer to. I asked her if she thought she would die. She took a long thoughtful pause and said no. In all honesty I dont know what I was expecting from her to say but someone how it wasn’t that. I wouldn’t say I thought it was a lie but more so it seemed like she was trying to protect me if I thought she might. Well after a year of treatment, they ran a test to see if it had helped. The thing about melanoma its the fastest spreading skin cancer you can get. Therefor the worst kind of skin cancer you can get. So although they found it had went away where it originally was, it had already spread all over her body. She passed away in her bed in the beginning of June. I wasnt there to actually see her pass away. It was my personal choice, and its something I cant stand by as necessarily bad or good. For one if I was there, the whole experience being haunting enough as it is. To have actually witness her last breath…at that age no way was I ready. I was barely at an age where I should have to witness even seeing her struggle for breath. That it self is haunting enough. No matter where you are in your life I imagine it would be difficult to lose a mother. However with parents already divorced, living with one parent wasn’t hard to adjust to. The hard part was having to go through the age of growing from a girl to a woman without a mother. Also knowing she’d never see me drive a car, see me fall in love, see my heartbroken, see me graduate from high school, college, see me married, and worst of all knowing my children and husband will never get the chance to meet her. So not only did I lose a mother I lost my entire life of what should of been. Having to face that all at the age of 15, well I was never the same. I learned; to say what you feel, act on what you feel because you cant waste time wishing you had told someone how you felt. Or wishing you knew how they felt. I learned how great love can be, how much you could love another and how much someone could actually love me.